This is a website

And it’s perfect.

You probably build websites and think they are special. You think your whistling and heavy parallax-active home page is going to get you some attention, you think your heavy jQuery file can make it work on Internet Explorer 7, but you are utterly wrong.

Look at this. It’s a website. Why would you ever really need to animate that trendy banner flag when I hover over it? It’s useless and won’t get my attention anyway. You spent hours on it and added another 80 kilobytes to your site, and yet it is still broken on some ancient iPad. Not to mention blind people will never see any of it at all.

This website is fast and lightweight. This entire page weights less than the fancy gradient-meshed facebook logo on your Wordpress over-engineered trash. Did you seriously load 100kb of jQuery UI just so you could animate the background color of a div? You loaded all 7 fontfaces of another Google webfont just so you could say “Hi.” at 100px height at the beginning of your site? Stop.

It’s responsive. You thought you needed media queries to be responsive, but no. Responsive means that it responds to whatever screensize it’s viewed on. This site doesn’t care if you’re on an iMac or a Nokia 3310.

It just works. Look at it. You can read it! It makes sense. It even has hierarchy. It’s using HTML5 tags so you and your browser already know what’s in this site. That’s called “semantics” and CSS won’t affect it!

Cross-browser compatibility? Load this in IE6. I dare you.

This is a website. Look at it. You’ve never seen one before. Like the man who’s never grown out his beard has no idea what his true natural state is, you have no idea what a website is. All you have ever seen are skeuomorphic bastardizations of what should be text communicating a message. This is a real website, and it’s beautiful.

What I’m saying is that all the problems we have with websites are ones we create ourselves. Websites aren’t broken by default, they are functional, high-performing, and accessible. You break them.

Epilogue

This article is a less offensive variant of motherfuckingwebsite.com satire.